Guess who's Rudolph?
by Phoenix-Thunder
Summary: AU Kurapika is dressed up as Santa Claus, and Leorio is Mrs. Claus...What can go wrong? -xmasfic oneshot- (Alluka mama, and toddler Gon and Killua inside!)


Hi! Yeah I know Christmas is over, but I didn't want to wait until next Christmas to post it up so yeah...OTL *is so out of season XD*

This is slightly crack-ish too now that I realize it haha (how do I come up with these ideas? x_x )

Gon and Killua are 3/4 years old in here.

Why Alluka is the mom? I have no idea...

Disclaimer: I do not own Hunter x Hunter

* * *

In a small yet prominent shopping district, there was a bakery in the corner of the street. It was fairly popular among the people in town and everyone enjoyed their pastries and the fresh-baked bread and specials they would have on Fridays.

As it was nearing Christmas and light snow began to fall, our lively bakery was decorated in spirit of the holidays. From a small inflated Santa Claus statue to some light up reindeer glowing on the sides, the Netero Bakery was well off.

But something was amiss.

In the bakery, Netero called in our his favorite employee's: Kurapika and Leorio, for a small occasional meeting.

Let's just say...It wasn't as occasional as they both thought it would be.

"YOU WANT US TO BE WHAT?!" They both scream horrified at the old chuckling man in front of them. He roared with laughter, but the sight of his two beloved employee's made him chin up and coughed slightly resuming his childish yet professional composure.

"Like I said, Leorio you'll dress up as Mrs. Claus, while Kurapika will dress up as Santa Claus." Netero explained once again, however a small snort escaped from him.

"Errmmm, Netero-san, did you say I would be one of Santa's elf's?" Leorio tried to deter Netero's designation for him.

"No I said Mrs. Claus!"

"Santa's reindeer?" Leorio tried again.

"Mrs. Claus~!" He repeated with a wink.

"WHY AM I THE WOMAN IN THIS AWKWARD RELATIONSHIP?" Leorio yelled mortified.

"As if you're in a bad spot, I'm supposed to be Santa. Shouldn't you have some sympathy for me as well?" Kurapika became irked as he glared at Leorio.

"Yeah your right." Leorio started, "you're so young and girly looking, you wouldn't make a good Santa anyway-YEOW!" Leorio rambled off until Kurapika stepped on his foot.

"Why are you giving us these roles Netero-san?" Kurapika asked even though he knew he might regret it.

"Because, we need to show off Mrs. Claus masculinity! And it's possible for Santa to have a feminine side too! Hohoho!" He rubbed his hands together in fascination.

"Wait wait wait! Just wait!" Leorio held out his hands defensively "wouldn't it be the other way around? I would be the Santa, and Kurapika would be the Mrs. Claus instead? Why would-**OW**! Quit hitting me Kurapika!"

Kurapika intervened by punching Leorio's side. Even if the roles were switched, he still didn't want to be Mrs Claus.

"In my opinion, I think you would be better off as Santa Claus Netero-san." Kurapika suggested hopeful that he would reconsider.

"Yeah! You already have the 'hohoho' laughter down and everything! Can't you be the old chubby man?" Leorio pointed at his boss supporting Kurapika's point.

"Well I would, but I won't be in town tomorrow so I'm going to leave everything to the both of you instead!" He stroked his beard cheekily.

There was moment of silence as Kurapika and Leorio exasperated in shock and was deadpanned that their boss would neglect his responsibilities so easily...The old man was still laughing as Leorio slammed his hands on the desk.

"I refuse to do this!" Leorio growled.

"I refuse as well." Kurapika crossed his arms defiantly.

"I'll give both of you a raise at the start of next year if you do this for me~" Netero tauntingly compromised.

The duo looked at each other appalled as they blinked at each other. Were they willing to give up their pride just for a simple raise?

"We'll do it." They simultaneously said.

Well it seems like they are willing to do anything for a little extra money.

"I knew you would see it my way~" The old man smirked.

This will be a fun Christmas indeed.

* * *

The day went by quickly and before they knew it, morning arrived and both of them returned to the bakery where they had to start "dressing up for the day."

Kurapika was the first to arrive before Leorio and they both said their greetings. They headed to their lockers and within their little cramped compartments were costumes, perfectly in their sizes. The wig's and the fake beards were freshly new and there was some bells left in the corner.

"I can't believe I freaking agreed to this!" Leorio grumbled as he reluctantly put on the wig "But I need that raise."

"Same. As much as I loathe this..." Kurapika sighed putting on the Santa shirt.

"Hey y'know...we can just...not change up, and we can still continue the business without-"

"There's no point in doing that." Kurapika cut him off.

"And why is that?"

Before Leorio could reject anything, Kurapika pointed at the security camera that was above them in the edge of the room "They're all over the place, so the moment he notices were not wearing these outfits...we might get in trouble."

"How about destroying the cameras?"

"That will get us into more trouble Leorio, you should have realized that by now. Besides no matter what route we take to get out of this situation it will result us in being fired so it has to be one way or the other."

They both gulped knowing they wouldn't be able to escape from Netero's wrath. Then they resumed changing into their ridiculous outfits.

* * *

Since it was only Tuesday, there wasn't going to be a lot of customers due to the Christmas parade further downtown. Thankfully, no one walked in the store yet...

However, the bells signaled off and the door slowly opened revealing a young woman looking around slightly confused. "Ehh? Did I come to the wrong place? It looks so different somehow..."

"H-Hello Alluka-chan, hohoho..." Kurapika tried to greet Alluka in the Santa way, but by the tone of his non-enthusiastic voice...he failed.

Kurapika was wearing the Santa hat and beard with a small glasses propped up his nose. He unfortunate for him he had a pillow that made him look...plumper.

She gasped "Uwaaa, Santa-san!? You know my name! I didn't know you worked at the bakery!" Her eyes glistened as she became fascinated by Kurapika's appearance.

"Alluka...it's me." Kurapika lifted the hat off his head and placing it back on. Alluka was a regular customer at Netero's Bakery.

"Ohh, Kurapika-san!"

"And aren't you forgetting someone? Eh? Eh?" Leorio came from the side lifting his eyebrows pointing at himself aggravated. He was wearing a long white wig and had a small bun in his hair but it wasn't as visible because of the Christmas hat he is wearing. He also had on a red Christmas dress with white puffy end's along with thin green stretch pants. However inside the dress, there was something underneath that made him look like he had breasts...

Alluka recognized him immediately she tried covering her mouth quickly to hold in her laughter but she couldn't, and began laughing aloud. "Hey! You question Santa, but you laugh at me?!" Leorio gritted his teeth.

"Sorry Leorio-san!" Alluka hugged her sides trying to force herself to stop laughing.

"Oi, I'm supposed to be Mrs. Claus to you!"

Alluka kept on laughing "Where's your husband?" Kurapika asked.

"Oh, he's at work today, but he'll be home early for sure!" Alluka cheered.

"And the boys?" Kurapika smiled.

"Oh they're here. Killua! Gon! Come over here, there's some **special **people in here waiting to see you!"

By the door, there are two small toddlers that are marveling the appearance of the heavily decorated door and were touching all the ornaments and snowflake Styrofoam that was at the bottom of the frame. At the sound of their mother's call, they both popped their heads in the door, Killua's head came first and Gon's followed after him.

They looked up and their innocent eyes landed towards Kurapika who is now Santa Claus. But to the children, they had no clue that he is Kurapika.

Childish gasps emitted from them as they squealed and smiled running towards Kurapika "It's Santaaaaaa!" They were both eye wide and blushed happily enticed by "Santa's" presence in the store.

Kurapika smiled at them suddenly feeling more encouraged and more into the spirit he bent down and pat their heads "Oh what do we have here? Merry Christmas to the both of you, Killua-kun Gon-kun hohoho!"

Leorio muttered under his breath "...His old man laughter sounds so feminine, there's no way they're going buy that act-"

"Uwaa! Santa knows our names! He knows our names Killua!" Gon jumped up and down.

"Of course he knows, he's Santa! What did you think?" Killua hands went to his hips.

"I've been good Santa! I did nothing bad this year!" Gon raised his hand happily.

"Wow, he has blond hair? That's so cool!" Killua tried jumping up to reach Kurapika's tuff of hair that still showed through his wig.

"...They actually believe he's Santa..." Leorio was crest-fallen and Alluka patted his shoulder to console him.

"So what do you boys want for Christmas?" Kurapika kept up with his pretense voice.

Killua crawled into Kurapika's lap "I want a real stun gun!"

"I want a grizzly bear!" Gon did the same as Killua and his small arms shot up in the air excitedly.

Kurapika awkwardly turned to Alluka "...What are you teaching your kids?" He whispered.

"Television!" She clapped happily.

"You shouldn't rely on TV for everything Alluka!"

"...But they seem to like it! Right boys?"

"Un!" They both bounced excitedly on Kurapika's lap giggling.

Leorio nudged Alluka's shoulder and she turned around blinked at Leorio "Is there something wrong Leorio-san?"

"Oi help me out here, everyone knows about Santa but they don't know anything about Mrs. Claus right?"

Alluka tilted her head a bit unsure "hmm, I don't think so. But are you sure? You don't seem up to the role Leorio-san."

"I can handle myself!" He huffed stubbornly his hands placed on his hips defiantly and Alluka smiled.

"Ne ne, Gon~ Killua~ lookie over here!" Alluka motioned her hands for them to look at 'Mrs. Claus'

The boys turned around and looked up at 'Mrs. Claus' "Mama, who's this?" Gon curiously asked.

Alluka stepped back and held out her hand's presenting Leorio in front of them "This is Mrs. Claus!"

The children's mouths opened wide as they observed Leorio's outfit. Leorio had a smug on his face thinking he can beat Kurapika easily by his good looks.

Too bad Leorio's so call 'beauty' was more masculine than feminine.

"But she looks too many to be a Mrs. !" Killua pointed out not believing in Leorio's appearance.

"I'll have you know that I can be more feminine than you think kid!" Leorio retorted with a growl.

Gon tilting his head at Leorio "Miss, you look like Leorio-san!" He pointed out in recognition.

"I-I'm not this Leorio-san you speak of! Too bad!" He scoffed turning his head away.

Kurapika quickly whispered "Leorio, you're not acting like a Mrs. Claus now, your being out of character!" And Alluka nodded along with 'Santa'.

Leorio growled and both toddlers looked up at him and then glanced at each other confused "Maybe Mrs. Leorio Claus turned into a grizzly bear! She sounds like one!" Gon exclaimed still thinking that 'she' is Leorio.

"But I don't think Mrs. Claus is even Mrs Claus! She doesn't look girly enough!" Killua pointed at Leorio not impressed.

That was the last straw.

Leorio twirled his dress flicked his wig and stood up straight and tall "I. AM. MRS CLAUS!" He confidently stomped his foot on the crate that was by the cashier and an egotistic smirk spread across his face. He thought if he went with the 'cool' persona, he would get some more attention.

But two oranges fell out from underneath his Christmas dress.

His "breasts" were gone.

Gon looked down seeing the fruits rolled over to him. "Look Killua! Mrs. Claus laid eggs!"

"Isn't it an orange?" Killua bent down and picked up one of them blinking at his brother.

"Ohh, I guess she lays oranges!" Gon deducted.

"WHICH PERSON DO YOU KNOW LAYS ORANGES?!" Leorio was horrified at their conclusion.

"The chickens! The chickens!" Gon waved his arms proudly that he thought up the answer quickly. Despite it being wrong...

"Mrs. Claus is a chicken then!" Killua's mouth was wide open at the new discovery.

"I'M NOT A CHICKEN, I'M A HUMAN BEING!"

The boy laughed as they circled around Leorio.

"Uwaa this is so much fun! I never met a person that could lay oranges! They're orange babies!" Alluka clapped.

"...Actually Alluka, there just normal oranges." Kurapika informed her while sweat-dropping.

"...Really? But Leorio-san would make an amazing father!" Alluka eyes sparkled at Kurapika and 'Santa' sighed. "Gon, Killua, give Mrs. Claus's children back!" Alluka giggled. She was actually playing along with the concept, she wasn't that daft. If her kids enjoyed it, why can't she?

"Ok! Here Mrs. fake Claus!" Killua held up the orange he picked up to him.

A red vein popped on Leorio's head.

"Oh and this one too! Here Mrs. Leorio Claus-san!" Gon held up the other orange to him.

Another red vein pop on his head as he slowly turned his head down to them "...You two...Do you really think I'm not Mrs. Claus?"

"Yep." Killua answered with a blank stare on his face.

"Why? I can be a great Mrs. Claus if I wanted to!"

"You could be," Kurapika intervened, "but your just not a convincing actor like I am~" Kurapika grinned deviously at Leorio. 'Mrs. Claus' gritted his teeth in jealousy snatching the oranges away from the children in front of him.

But he refused to stuff it back in his shirt so he simply placed them on the counter. "Well if you boys can't appreciate Mrs Claus, you're not gonna get any presents this year!"

"EHHHH?!" The children gawked at him shocked.

"But that won't be fair Leorio-san!" Alluka piped up.

"No, these kids need to understand and appreciate their elders-"

Before Leorio could continue to lecture them, Gon began crying out loud. He thought it was unfair not getting any presents since he really has been good all year.

Shocked by Gon's sudden outburst he bent down frantically shaking his hand in front of him.

"O-Oi, come on Gon don't cry, you know I didn't mean it-" He tried calming the younger child until he felt a surging pain run up his leg "**YEOOWWW**! The hell?!" Leorio howled and jumped holding up his leg. He saw that Killua was biting Leorio's leg in anger.

Kurapika simply shook his head in disbelief. "You're the one at fault there Leorio."

"Oi! Get off Killua!"

"No! You made Gon cry! I'll eat you!" Killua kept on biting Leorio's leg in frustration.

"There's no way people can eat people! Now off!" He tried pulling Killua off of him.

"No!" Killua yelled at him.

Kurapika chuckled at their little charade as Alluka picked up Gon and tried shushing him softly to calm him down again.

They interaction was purely normal for them, it just that it escalated a bit more than necessary this Christmas holidays. As Gon rubbed his eyes sniffling out the rest of his dried tears, he noticed a strange shadow in front of the store. He blinked and pointed at the door "Lookie!"

At the sound of Gon's voice everyone turned around and the door slowly opened. The dangling Christmas bells on the ceiling of the store went off.

The door revealed a man dressed in a brown costume. He had a reindeer antler head band on top of his gelled red hair and a bright glowing fake round nose to top off his outfit. He had one leg crossed over the other leg in a presumptuous way, and his arms spread open wide.

"Ho ho** ho**~" He greeted with a pervert smile.

"...Hisoka?" Kurapika glared in disbelief. Hisoka runs the hair salon next door to the bakery. He had the irking feeling he would come to visit...

But he didn't expect him to dress up as Rudolph of all things.

"Why Santa, can you not recognize your own head reindeer?"

"...Reindeer-san?" Alluka made a face of confusion not recognizing it was Hisoka at first.

"I know that one! You're Rudolph!" Killua pointed at Hisoka hiding behind Leorio's leg. He stopped attacking Leorio's leg the moment the door opened.

Hisoka hummed as he bent down to Killua and the child stepped back "Your correct, _little boy_~"

A chill ran up Killua's spine and he jerked back when a perverted smiled began to spread across Hisoka's face. Killua ran and hid underneath Alluka's long skirt. "And your also looking well Alluka-chan~ Gon-chan~"

"Un!" Alluka replied happily, but Gon's body jolted at the sight of Hisoka and buried his face within Alluka's Jacket.

Leorio blinked tiredly at Hisoka as he stood back up from the ground. "Why do I have a feeling he just came here because he was bored?"

"My thought's exactly." Kurapika groaned.

"Well you do need to be so rude about it~" He heard their whispers "I merely came for a casual visit~"

"Oh really?" Kurapika raised an eyebrow. "On what occasion do we owe your visit...Rudolph?"

He kneeled on the ground teasingly taking a bow "I came to offer my_ services _to you Santa~" Hisoka twirled Kurapika's fake beard within his hands

"W-What kind of nonsense are you spouting out now?!" Leorio pointed at him in horror. Alluka observed them with sheer curiosity.

"Oh, pardon the intrusion _Mrs. Claus_," He managed to deduct who Leorio dressed up as he came an inch closer to Kurapika. As for the blond he took an inch back. "But all my allegiances go towards Santa since he **is** my boss. I don't know about you **Mrs. Claus, **but I'm positively sure that I can offer much better **_services _**than you on Christmas Day~"

"When did this turn out to be a competition?! Services my ass! This is a bakery, not a strip club!"

"But I only serve Santa and no one else, Mrs. Claus~" Hisoka merely replied and Kurapika cringed and froze at the close contact.

"ARGH, can't you see your precious Santa look uncomfortable?! Get off of him! I'm sure as hell if this was a competition, I would beat you hands down!"

Hisoka seemed to be up to that challenge "oh really~?"

"Get off of me!" Kurapika cried pushing him off and instantly their little competition easily forgotten.

"You don't need to be so shy _Santa-san_~" He stood up spreading his arms once again "As you can see there's nothing in my hands~" Hisoka held out both of his palms indicating so.

"Oh god, not another one of your magic tricks..." Kurapika sounded disgruntled.

Hisoka smirked as he clapped only once and he walked towards Leorio, his index finger swirling towards Leorio's mouth for him to open. "Open wide~"

"Wait, What **WHAT**?!" Leorio back himself up to the wall freaked out.

"I was only teasing _Mrs. Claus_, of course you wouldn't have it~"

"Have what?!" He shrieked.

Hisoka twirled and bowed to Alluka taking her hand and kissing it with courtesy. "May I~?"

Alluka giggled while a childish growl was heard from Killua below, and Gon looked at their faces in confusion.

Hisoka twirled his hand in the air putting his hand behind Gon's ear. Before Gon could react with a wail, Hisoka gently pulled out a mistletoe from behind the boy's ear.

Gon stared at the ornament in shock, looking at Alluka's smiling face, then back to the mistletoe and glanced down at Killua who was just as surprised as Gon.

"...You were about to pull a mistletoe outta my mouth?" Leorio exasperated with confusion.

"Why yes~ But, this isn't just any ordinary mistletoe~" He placed a hand on his hips in amusement.

"...Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" Kurapika grimaced while backing himself behind the cashier.

Hisoka took the mistletoe in the palm of his hand and closed it tightly and then gently blew on it as it released itself into the air along with a couple of dozen mistletoe's floating in the air along with it.

Alluka and the kids mouths widened at how there was so many mistletoes that magically appeared from Hisoka's hands.

'Rudolph' arms raised into the air as he happily sang "Let the kissing festival begin~!"

"Kissing?! That's gross!" Leorio objected with horror while pure misery fell on Kurapika's face.

A mistletoe fell on top of Killua's head, Gon leaped to him and blew a childish kiss on his cheek. Killua blinked confused for a moment until Alluka came beside Killua and kissed his other cheek.

She then picked up both boys and gave them lovable kisses on their cheeks as Gon and Killua both squealed and laughed childishly at the amount they were getting.

"See? These three understand the meaning of love~" Hisoka hovered a mistletoe over Leorio and Kurapika's heads. "Now, why don't _Santa Claus_ and _Mrs Claus_ share a kiss too eh~?" Hisoka mischievously nudged an impossible situation at them.

"WHAT?!" They both screamed.

Alluka, Gon and Killua began to laugh. "You can do it Leorio-san! You can prove you're Mrs Claus!" Alluka gave Leorio thumbs up.

"LIKE HELL I WOULD!" Leorio cried.

"Awww, it shouldn't be that much of a problem. After all, you two are married~ Aren't I correct_ Mr. __**and**__ Mrs. Claus_~?" Hisoka chuckled.

"Now that's just going too far Hisoka! Were not married!" Kurapika screeched jerking back.

"Who is this 'Hisoka'? I'm Rudolph~" Hisoka slyly retorted.

"A very twisted Ruldoph..." Kurapika darkly muttered.

"Then won't you two do it for the children~? Think of the children~" Hisoka teased suggestively as his eyes turned to the three behind them blinking with sheer innocent curiosity.

Leorio and Kurapika cringed as they saw Gon and Killua eyes light up with excitement. "We won't do it." Leorio seethed at Kurapika.

"I agree." Kurapika whispered back.

"Even if it is for them, I won't do it." Leorio crossed his arms.

"We don't have to prove anything by doing this!" Kurapika also crossed his arms.

"Exactly!"

"That's what you both really think huh~?" Hisoka made a dangerously playful grin as he grabbed Leorio's and Kurapika's head from behind dropping the mistletoe he was holding up earlier and he slowly began bringing their faces closer together...for a kiss.

The others stared intently in suspense seeing their faces coming closer and closer to each other from Hisoka's forcible hands.

"NO NO NO NOOOOOO!"

Both of them scream terrified.

And everything went black.

* * *

In the coziness of his own home, Netero deliriously laughed in front of his computer...

Netero lied that he would be out of town, why would he leave town when he can easily be amused by his favorite employees and customers?

He was sitting in front of his desktop computer wrapped up with a Christmas quilt around his shoulders while holding a mug of hot chocolate.

He never mentioned that he can view everything was happening at his bakery through the security camera's he installed in the store. All the footage he saw can easily be transmitted and viewed on his screen.

Netero chuckled, taking another sip of his hot chocolate and popped some popcorn in his mouth.

"Merry Christmas everyone~! Hohohohoho!"

* * *

Brownie points if anyone can figure out who Alluka's husband is here! ;D

Please review if you guys liked it! I hope all of you look forward to my future fanfic's and updates! Thanks for dropping by! :D


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